scatterbrain day

I'm feeling a little all over the place today and not accomplishing much of anything as a result.  This post will probably be the same... just a warning.

Yesterday I spent over 10 hours driving.  It was a long day but I'm happy I did it.  My sister and I drove to Toronto for my Aunt Aileen's funeral.  My Mom has 14 brothers and sisters and Aunt Aileen was the oldest of the group.  Although I don't remember spending a lot of time with her, the memories I do have of her are all good ones.  It was so nice to see so many of our other Aunts and Uncles there, some I haven't seen in decades.  Wish we could have happier reasons to all be together...

I realized on my day away from Caelan how hard it was going to be going back to work. I thought about him a lot.  Worried about him too, even though he was in the very capable hands of Daddy.  We are very attached, Caelan and I.  Some tell me too attached. Is there really such a thing?  I guess so.  Just not convinced that we're really at that unhealthy attachement stage.  Maybe we are and I just don't see it, I'm in too deep.  I have to say though, how much choice did I have?  Who did I have to turn to?  Who else was there to look after him?  When you're one of the two people who can care for your son what else are you supposed to do?  We can only afford so much nursing, it's not really an option.  Trust is huge, the risk too big.  I wonder if I'll ever get over it.  Do I even want to?

Speaking of returning to work, I'm not sure I mentioned that I have been granted an extra 6 month leave of absence.  It was a bit of a shock when I called to request extending my leave of absence and was advised that 1 year was the maximum allowed.  This wasn't how it was explained to me last year when my mat leave was over.  I can understand a company's position though... a little.  In reality, if they're not paying me, how much should they care.  I guess it's more trouble continuously hiring on contracts.  I had to get the exception made from the higher ups.  I had to plead my case so to speak, explaining that we were hopeful for some major changes in the next six months.  So that's what I've got... 6 months.

The kick off to these six months was our appointment with Dr. ENT (Ears, Nose and Throat).  Not sure I've mentionned it before but I LOVE Dr. ENT.  He's handsome, calming, friendly, patient, funny, reassuring, and just all around a great guy.  Anyway, last February we had an appointment during which we scoped to see if Caelan's vocal cords had decided to wake up and start working. They hadn't.  At that time Dr. ENT said that we would scope again in a year, but that he'd like to see us in 6mths.  That appointment that was scheduled for August got bumped too October.  Maybe I should remind everyone what this is all about.

When Caelan was born he was breathing on his own and able to cry.  This lead the Doctors to believe that his vocal cords were working.  Your vocal cords need to move together and apart. Together to create sound and apart to allow you to breath.  We have since been asked repeatedly whether Caelan had a good strong cry when he was born or did he sound weak.  They're trying to determine if perhaps one vocal cord was not moving initially.  Caelan was intubated with his first major surgery at which time they check that the vocal cords are working.  They were.  This surgery was for the TEF repair (joining esophagus to stomach) and correcting the vascular ring (heart).  The surgeons had to identify Caelan's vocal cord nerve since it was in very close proximity to where they were working.  Remember Caelan was 3 days old.  It's my opinion that everything was in close proximity!!  The nerve needed to be identified in order to protect it.  Unfortunately even just stretching the nerve is enough to 'piss it off' so that it will no longer work and apparently the nerve can hold that grudge for a year.  To be safe, in Caelan's situation, we're giving that nerve extra time to come to it's senses before taking more permanent measures.

We are able to check and see if the vocal cords are moving by doing a scope.  The vocal cords are above the trache so it's easy enough for the Doctor to insert a small camera down there to take a look.  Caelan's not particularly fond of this procedure.  He hates it.  I don't doubt that it's not pleasant.  It looks uncomfortable but I'm not convinced that it's really the "I-hate-this-so-much-I-need-to-hold-my-breath-go-blue-go-grey-and-pass-out" kinda thing.  Which is what Caelan did TWICE at our most recent appointment.  Unfortunately, in order to see if the vocal cords are moving, we need Caelan to breath.  When he holds his breath because he's so mad at being held still and having this camera shoved into him it's absolutely useless.  As a result we can't conclusively say if the vocal cords are moving or not.  Now, Dr. ENT, reminded me that he would never schedule a surgery until spring anyway... We'll scope again in February and maybe we'll have to book OR time and put Caelan out for the scope.

Caelan has become quite vocal lately.  He's progressed from a quacking duck sound to being able to make some pretty loud yelling sounds.  It's difficult to describe and everyone was getting pretty excited about these new noises he was making.   Surely this had to be a good sign, right?  Well I was trying not to get too hopeful, but I know that deep down I was too.  Unfortunately Dr. ENT put this in perspective too... it means the vocal cords are still together or at least are together when Caelan is pushing air up past his trach.  To look for a positive sign that the cords are moving, Dr. ENT suggested that I occlude Caelan's trach with my finger and see how he reacts.  Yah, didn't go over well... not the reaction I was hoping for. 

So it's looking more and more like we're going to have a surgery in the spring.  I don't know many details on this surgery.  I understand that the basic idea is that the vocal cords get pinned open to allow breathing without a trach.  Now, what are the chances that I can get that all done by May??

Now I need to go see to the pizza dough that I forgot to add yeast too!  urgh! 

Did I mention that I have a headache today?