Monday, April 11, 2011

worst case scenario

It isn't something you like to dwell on, much less give a moments thought to, but you do anyway. 

You can't help it.  I'd be lying if I didn't admit to it still happening even when things are going so well.  It's that dreaded, "what if..."

I figure it was expected or understandable during the NICU days.  Although I really don't remember thinking it often.  Was I thinking anything?  Yes I was thinking everything.  Nothing coherent or logical.  All emotional and all over the place.

I honestly believed we would be bringing our boy home, it was just a matter or what life would be like when that happened.  It was certainly overwhelming. 

Surgery seemed like another 'reasonable' time to consider those miserable thoughts.  Unfortunately, we've had to face those more than once and it never gets easier.  Sometimes you can attempt to evaluate the risk involved and try to reassure yourself  that this time those thoughts can be kept at bay, but they always surface.  What if...

I do believe that the worst case scenario needs to be acknowledged.  The key is to not focus on it.  Much easier said than done.  For me, those miserable thoughts might creep in during those awful hours before falling asleep or on the long drive home from CHEO.  What if...

I don't think this is something that any parent should ever have to go through and yet lots do.  It's awful.  Thinking it is unthinkable.  Living through it... well I can't even imagine it.

I don't remember ever thinking about it with the girls.  Not once, not ever.  And yet, with Caelan, I can't count the times that it's been thought.  Again, I think this is understandable and expected, but I don't like it.

I don't like thinking it.  Ever.  It's choking.

It sucks.

And I hate that I still do it. 

More than once I have been away from him and am on my way home.  I become overwhelmed with concern and panic,  what if....

This is not normal.  But for me and some other amazing moms, it is our normal.

1 comment:

  1. Hi Tan,
    Your strength is amazing to me... a Mom who realizes my "what if..." is different by any comparison!
    Unfortunately, sooner or later, we are all faced with the "What if..." of losing someone we thought we could never live without.
    You, "My Tan" are faced with that reality daily.
    Try to remember what an amazing job you are doing and how well Caelan is thriving as a result.
    And also remember...It is better to have loved and lost, then to never have loved at all!!
    (and that sucks too!!)
    Love and more love...
    Borah xo