Ryland made her Daddy so proud today it brought tears to his eyes. This is how it happened.
We were in the van doing errands in town as a family and already regretting that decision, again.
The song "Devil went down to Georgia" is playing and Ryland is singing along. We hear her singing and exchange a glance impressed that she knows more than just the chorus. Actually she knew all words.
I look over and notice Daddy has tears in his eyes and a grin from ear to ear.
"I'm so proud!" he tells me.
Then we laugh until tears are running down both of our cheeks.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Thursday, April 14, 2011
another first: playgroup
Well, we did it. Caelan and I finally went to a playgroup!
Not only any playgroup - a French one in Casselman!!
It's a series of five organized sessions that are running at the Early Years Centre being organized by one of Caelan's case workers. So, we'll be back the next four Thursdays before I return to work. (ugh!)
Caelan loved it! He was in awe of all the children running about, drawn towards the brightly coloured playmats, and simply didn't know where to go explore first! We started finger painting with the supposedly (as per the label) washable blue paint that wasn't - Caelan had "Avatar" hands for the rest of the day. We played with blocks, blew bubbles, read stories and enjoyed circle time. It was great!
We arrived late to this morning's session. Caelan chose this morning to sleep in after his hectic day yesterday. (We had two therapy sessions at OCTC and then went to do all our lab work for Nephrology - blood tests and urine samples. We were both exhausted when we got home over 6 hours later!!) Anyway, that's my excuse for not talking to many other Moms. We were late. Introductions had already been made. It's a weak excuse. Really weak, I know, but I'm just not that comfortable in a room of strangers. It's surprising given how much I can blab that I'm not better at chatting up new people. Quite honestly though, Caelan didn't really stay still long enough to allow for any conversation. At the same time, I realized that although I can understand everything spoken in French it takes my brain a lot longer to process my vocabulary and spit out whatever I want to say. I feel like I'm on pause while the wheels are turning with my eyes like a deer in headlights before I can figure out what I want to say.
The other big issue is probably part of what has kept me from playgroups for this long. I don't want to have to repeatedly explain Caelan's issues. (in French?!?!? hadn't even thought of that - omg!) Caelan's differences are there for everyone to see, therefore I expect people to ask. Sometimes that gets tiring. When kids notice or ask, I love it. I actually enjoy taking the opportunity to explain why and how, because in general, kids think it's pretty cool and are accepting. I don't like the sad eyes you get from adults, or the "poor thing"... Are you kidding me? Look at how happy this kid is! Don't go making sad eyes at him!!
What could I possibly have in common with any of these mothers? I realize I'm making assumptions. I know better than to believe that just because a child looks "normal" that there aren't underlying differences. There are many things that you can't see that can be just as difficult to deal with, if not more so. But frankly, if your child looks healthy and is running around as most two years old are, I can't help but be a little ... something. Bitter, resentful, jealous... I don't like any of those words and I don't like to think I am any of those things ... Wistful, contemplative, reflective? I can't help but think of all we've gone through.
I wouldn't change a thing. Caelan is who he is because of all he's been through and although I dream of the day that we can be rid of that trach, this journey has taught us so much.
Not only any playgroup - a French one in Casselman!!
It's a series of five organized sessions that are running at the Early Years Centre being organized by one of Caelan's case workers. So, we'll be back the next four Thursdays before I return to work. (ugh!)
Caelan loved it! He was in awe of all the children running about, drawn towards the brightly coloured playmats, and simply didn't know where to go explore first! We started finger painting with the supposedly (as per the label) washable blue paint that wasn't - Caelan had "Avatar" hands for the rest of the day. We played with blocks, blew bubbles, read stories and enjoyed circle time. It was great!
We arrived late to this morning's session. Caelan chose this morning to sleep in after his hectic day yesterday. (We had two therapy sessions at OCTC and then went to do all our lab work for Nephrology - blood tests and urine samples. We were both exhausted when we got home over 6 hours later!!) Anyway, that's my excuse for not talking to many other Moms. We were late. Introductions had already been made. It's a weak excuse. Really weak, I know, but I'm just not that comfortable in a room of strangers. It's surprising given how much I can blab that I'm not better at chatting up new people. Quite honestly though, Caelan didn't really stay still long enough to allow for any conversation. At the same time, I realized that although I can understand everything spoken in French it takes my brain a lot longer to process my vocabulary and spit out whatever I want to say. I feel like I'm on pause while the wheels are turning with my eyes like a deer in headlights before I can figure out what I want to say.
The other big issue is probably part of what has kept me from playgroups for this long. I don't want to have to repeatedly explain Caelan's issues. (in French?!?!? hadn't even thought of that - omg!) Caelan's differences are there for everyone to see, therefore I expect people to ask. Sometimes that gets tiring. When kids notice or ask, I love it. I actually enjoy taking the opportunity to explain why and how, because in general, kids think it's pretty cool and are accepting. I don't like the sad eyes you get from adults, or the "poor thing"... Are you kidding me? Look at how happy this kid is! Don't go making sad eyes at him!!
What could I possibly have in common with any of these mothers? I realize I'm making assumptions. I know better than to believe that just because a child looks "normal" that there aren't underlying differences. There are many things that you can't see that can be just as difficult to deal with, if not more so. But frankly, if your child looks healthy and is running around as most two years old are, I can't help but be a little ... something. Bitter, resentful, jealous... I don't like any of those words and I don't like to think I am any of those things ... Wistful, contemplative, reflective? I can't help but think of all we've gone through.
I wouldn't change a thing. Caelan is who he is because of all he's been through and although I dream of the day that we can be rid of that trach, this journey has taught us so much.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Saturday's seedlings
I took a peak inside our little indoor greenhouse that we planted on Saturday and couldn't believe my eyes!!
Look at that lettuce reaching for the sunshine.
We also planted cucumbers, tomatoes, pumpkin, zuchini, butternut squash, sugar snap peas, yellow beans and peppers.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Top Ten Tuesday
- showering without Caelan's supervision
- regular adult conversations
- lunch hours to myself
- being in the city daily without going to the hospital
- getting back into a routine of putting on makeup & getting dressed up
- getting my hair cut
- not having to make lunches for the girls
- not having to get the girls ready for the school bus
- having great intentions of returning to the gym
- coming home to a clean house, happy kids and dinner ready on the table every night... right?
Monday, April 11, 2011
worst case scenario
It isn't something you like to dwell on, much less give a moments thought to, but you do anyway.
You can't help it. I'd be lying if I didn't admit to it still happening even when things are going so well. It's that dreaded, "what if..."
I figure it was expected or understandable during the NICU days. Although I really don't remember thinking it often. Was I thinking anything? Yes I was thinking everything. Nothing coherent or logical. All emotional and all over the place.
I honestly believed we would be bringing our boy home, it was just a matter or what life would be like when that happened. It was certainly overwhelming.
Surgery seemed like another 'reasonable' time to consider those miserable thoughts. Unfortunately, we've had to face those more than once and it never gets easier. Sometimes you can attempt to evaluate the risk involved and try to reassure yourself that this time those thoughts can be kept at bay, but they always surface. What if...
I do believe that the worst case scenario needs to be acknowledged. The key is to not focus on it. Much easier said than done. For me, those miserable thoughts might creep in during those awful hours before falling asleep or on the long drive home from CHEO. What if...
I don't think this is something that any parent should ever have to go through and yet lots do. It's awful. Thinking it is unthinkable. Living through it... well I can't even imagine it.
I don't remember ever thinking about it with the girls. Not once, not ever. And yet, with Caelan, I can't count the times that it's been thought. Again, I think this is understandable and expected, but I don't like it.
I don't like thinking it. Ever. It's choking.
It sucks.
And I hate that I still do it.
More than once I have been away from him and am on my way home. I become overwhelmed with concern and panic, what if....
This is not normal. But for me and some other amazing moms, it is our normal.
You can't help it. I'd be lying if I didn't admit to it still happening even when things are going so well. It's that dreaded, "what if..."
I figure it was expected or understandable during the NICU days. Although I really don't remember thinking it often. Was I thinking anything? Yes I was thinking everything. Nothing coherent or logical. All emotional and all over the place.
I honestly believed we would be bringing our boy home, it was just a matter or what life would be like when that happened. It was certainly overwhelming.
Surgery seemed like another 'reasonable' time to consider those miserable thoughts. Unfortunately, we've had to face those more than once and it never gets easier. Sometimes you can attempt to evaluate the risk involved and try to reassure yourself that this time those thoughts can be kept at bay, but they always surface. What if...
I do believe that the worst case scenario needs to be acknowledged. The key is to not focus on it. Much easier said than done. For me, those miserable thoughts might creep in during those awful hours before falling asleep or on the long drive home from CHEO. What if...
I don't think this is something that any parent should ever have to go through and yet lots do. It's awful. Thinking it is unthinkable. Living through it... well I can't even imagine it.
I don't remember ever thinking about it with the girls. Not once, not ever. And yet, with Caelan, I can't count the times that it's been thought. Again, I think this is understandable and expected, but I don't like it.
I don't like thinking it. Ever. It's choking.
It sucks.
And I hate that I still do it.
More than once I have been away from him and am on my way home. I become overwhelmed with concern and panic, what if....
This is not normal. But for me and some other amazing moms, it is our normal.
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